21 Sept 26
Last night I finally had a night of uninterrupted sleep. It feels like the fog has finally lifted slightly for me. For the last two weeks, I have been so tired but so wired, often waking up in the dead of night at 2/3am and not being able to fall back to sleep.
I spent time with friends, laughed and ate good food, reminisced about you, went for an evening walk, spent time with people I love and who love me.
My heart feels a little lighter now. The little signs I’ve experienced over the last week and the rallying of love around me, makes me feel like I could and am ready to pull myself together. I study hard, live my life fully, passionately, loosely. Like a current, flowing with passion but bending to life’s vicissitudes.
It sucks that my coolest, funnest, smartest, sweetest, kindest, craziest, humblest friend with whom I can discuss virtually anything under the sun with, and the enabler of all my random rabbit hole pursuits - from poetry, wine, golf, film photography, jazz, physics and more - is no more. I miss commiserating in your shenanigans, trailing after your most absurd evening plans, taking a jab at your good-natured self. “I like to wander around and see where the night takes me. Let me come with you!” You were my most honest friend.
You get me and see me even better than I do myself. You were such a bright burning flame in my life. Gradually as our friendship blossomed, I started to shake off all that self-imposed ideas of morality and the mental prison I lived in. There was an ease in how you lived. Like you figured out the formula for living a big, full happy life. In watching you live so authentically, I also started to embody more truth and beauty in mine. I don’t think anyone could ever take that unique spot that you left in my life. I wish we had more time together… I’m in school today, and thought about the dinner we were going to have together. I wish we could have one more meal together. We don’t even have to speak, I just enjoy being in your presence and sitting with you.
But I accept and come to terms with the new relationship we have now. It’s not a bad one - because every time I encounter beauty, I know that you’re around.
