22 Sept 26

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.

So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:

Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely.  Crowned

With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.

Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.

A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,

A formula, a phrase remains,—but the best is lost.

The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,—

They are gone.  They are gone to feed the roses.  Elegant and curled

Is the blossom.  Fragrant is the blossom.  I know.  But I do not approve.

More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave

Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;

Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.

I know.  But I do not approve.  And I am not resigned.

“Dirge without music”, Edna Vincent Millay

In the morning light, your eyes are (were) brown. I’m grateful to have seen it and told you how beautiful they are (were).

I went to the gym today and cried while walking on the treadmill perhaps it was a mistake to listen to Celine Dion. But now, I’m angry and sad both that I didn’t get to tell you what I wanted to say to you. But even then, words are insufficient, we know that, and I tell myself that you already know. And I know too.

Having to fight through an illness is such a violent and traumatic experience. And you are the bravest fighter. I am happy that you’re having a different experience now. Although I’m having a whirlwind of conflicting emotions, I am holding them lightly. “All the world’s a stage and all the men and women are merely players” you have said, and would say. Yes yes I know.

But why did they have to take you? When you were the bright spark in so many people’s lives…